"I Had to Back Down or Double Down—And I Chose the Latter"
Powerhouse activist and author Shannon Watts on how to turn rejection, criticism, and resistance into fuel for your fire (Q&A)
I don’t know how else to introduce except to say she is a total badass.
When she sees a problem, she works to create change. Not one to sit on the sidelines when the stakes are high, Shannon jumped into one of the most contentious issues in the US—gun control—with unmatched passion and dedication. The result was “Moms Demand Action,” the largest grassroots group fighting gun violence in the US.
She’s been named one of TIME’s 100 Most Influential People, a Forbes 50 over 50 Changemaker, and a Glamour Woman of the Year. She writes Playing with Fire here on Substack and is out with a new book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age.
Shannon is an inspiration to me and many people. So much so that she is known as the ‘summoner of women’s audacity.’ This doesn’t mean she can’t summon men’s audacity, just that her experience has been primarily with moms who became activists in the cause to keep their children safe from gun violence.
But Shannon’s wisdom and enthusiasm can inspire and guide anyone.
I hope you enjoy the interview, which has been edited lightly for length.
In Fired Up, you note that most people don’t realize that everyone has a spark inside waiting to be ignited. What advice do you have for people who don’t believe they have that spark inside?
We don’t fear our fire because we’re weak—it’s because we’re wise. We know there’s a price to be paid for being someone who wants. We see all the obstacles in our way—from gendered expectations to rigid social norms to economic pressures—and we decide it’s easier and safer to stick with the status quo. We learn to keep our heads down and our desires in check. The best way to unlearn that conditioning is to imagine what life would be like if the most important question you asked yourself over and over again was, “What do I want?”
What do you say to people who say it’s “too late” to start something new?
I interviewed over 70 women for Fired Up. These Firestarters range in age from their twenties through their seventies. Some women are embarking on their first fire, some have pivoted into their next one, but all of the stories in the book will show you that it’s never too late and you’re never too old. Lots of women, especially when they reach midlife, wake up one day and realize they’re living lives they didn’t want or don’t recognize. I certainly felt that way. The stories, advice and exercises in Fired Up will prove to you that you are just getting started.
You write, “The degree to which you can grow your fire is directly proportional to the amount of blowback you're willing and able to withstand.” Can you break that down for us? Do you think this harder for women to deal with than men?
When I started Moms Demand Action, it wasn’t long before I was receiving threats of death and sexual violence. I knew I would have to back down or double down, and I chose the latter.
It’s inevitable that anyone who makes the conscious decision to live audaciously—to show up differently than they were before—will face blowback. Alarmed by your audaciousness, some will see you and think, “How dare they?” Their reactions could come across as anger, rejection, disrespect, or ridicule. And that blowback, in turn, is likely to engender feelings of guilt and shame in you. I call these emotions “extinguishers” because they lead to damaging behaviors, including self-judgement, martyrdom, people pleasing, and disappearing, which threaten to put out your fire.
Ultimately, the degree to which you can grow your fire is directly proportional to the amount of blowback you’re willing and able to withstand. It’s important to remember that all of the criticism you get when you dare to live on fire is predictable, and none of it is personal.
You say, "incrementalism leads to revolutions." Why is it important for people to understand that real change takes time? How do you stay patient without giving up?
Change is always one step forward and two steps back. We have to give into the process and celebrate each of the small victories along the way or we’ll never want to keep pushing through. When I was leading Moms Demand Action, we saw constant pushback. But when we celebrated the small wins - if we made new connections with a lawmaker or if we learned what we needed to do next time to pass a piece of legislation - it gave us the momentum to keep going.
You’ve written a book full of stories about women who have done amazing things. I’m sure they all impacted you but is there one that really stands out for you?
One of my favorite stories in the book is from a woman named Carol. Carol had spent years as a gym teacher, always with a burning desire to write a book. After retiring, Carol taught herself about plot and dialogue and eventually decided that she deserved to have this book published. She sent the book to over 200 publishers before finally being accepted. Carol was in her 70s when she became a published author. I love her story because it shows that it is truly never too late to fulfill the dreams you’ve always had and to go after what you want.
What was the inspiration for this book? What do you hope people will take away from reading it?
Founding Moms Demand Action in 2012 helped me figure out a formula for what I call “living on fire,” a metaphor for personal transformation—not the kind of transformation that makes you more youthful or famous or wealthy, but an internal shift that will help you see two things more clearly: what’s limiting you and what’s calling you.
I call this the “fire formula.”
It helped me find the courage to end my marriage, re-imagine my life, and eventually start Moms Demand Action, which has also become the world’s largest field experiment for helping hundreds of thousands of our volunteers–mostly women, mostly moms–understand what makes them come alive.
But the activism of Moms Demand Action volunteers didn’t just transform the issue we were working on; it transformed all of us personally. When women work on something they’re passionate about with other people who support and encourage them, they realize they have a unique set of skills and clear values to guide them as they unlock their dormant desires.
They’re able to access a reservoir of untapped power that gives them the audacity to become what I call a Firestarter, someone who makes the choice to prioritize their desires over their obligations. Whether those desires are personal, professional or political, I wrote Fired Up to help women of all ages tap into their power, build community, and create impact one step at a time.
What’s next for you? Do you have any plans to slow down or is there another spark growing inside of you for this next chapter?
My next project is showing women exactly how to live on fire through Firestarter University. It’s a year-long online course based on the book. Throughout the year, an incredible list of guest speakers and I are going to walk you through how to find your passion and your spark, how to ignite it, how to build a community to cheer you on, and how to overcome the obstacles standing in your way.
