We Don't Need 'Self-Help,' We Need Support
What we can learn from Denmark, home to some of the happiest people on Earth
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Each time I look at the Publishers Weekly bestseller list, I am struck by how Americans are always seeking guidance on how to do the most basic human things: follow a healthy diet, exercise, have friends, or be happy.
Yet, no matter how many of these books are printed and read, Americans still aren't happy, healthy, connected, or anything else that they keep reading about. I was once a great consumer of this genre, and I recently reflected on how much time I wasted trying to make my life work by nibbling around the edges of the problem.
This is not to say that there are no self-help or personal development books worth reading. There are. But it feels like it's time that we come to terms with the fact that most of the problems from which Americans seek relief can’t be solved at the individual level.
You can't have more meaningful friendships if you and your friends don't have free time. You can't retire and live near your grandchildren if you lost half your retirement savings in a stock market crash (or if you have no retirement savings). You can't join a book club, volunteer, or take up a hobby if, when the workday ends, you are so depleted that all you have energy for is to lay under a weighted blanket and binge Netflix.
A new workout, a “clean” eating regime or a meditation practice can’t make a person healthy in an unhealthy environment. No amount of therapy or prayer will erase the chronic stress of a two-hour commute, lack of childcare, medical debt, or loneliness. Walkable cities and towns would do more for our physical and mental health than a thousand wellness books.
The fact is, happy and healthy people don't just happen.
They are created by the culture in which they reside.
Late last year, as I came to terms with my desire to leave the US, I read The Year of Living Danishly by
to learn what it feels like to relocate to a foreign country. (I would put this book on the list of helpful “self-help” books). Russell and her husband found themselves in their early thirties, completely burnt out from life in London, which sounds frighteningly similar to American life. (Her description reminded me of my conversation with )When Russell's husband was offered a job at Lego, Inc. in Denmark, they decided to go for a year to try a different way of life. The Danish are famously often ranked the world's happiest people, and as a journalist, Russell set out to discover why and to see if she would be happier living there.
The book is fascinating, and I highly recommend it. There are far too many revelations to mention in one essay, but something that affected me was learning that the Danes have very high expectations of their government and the government works in pretty incredible ways to meet those expectations.
The government guarantees pretty much anything you can think of: health care, higher education, day care, a year of paid maternity and paternity care, unemployment insurance guaranteeing 80 percent of your wages for two years, and more paid vacation days in a year than many Americans get in a lifetime. The Danish government even put careful thought into designing public spaces and buildings to maximize happiness, believing (correctly) that people's environments influence their sense of wellbeing.
At the time of this book's writing, Danes also worked the shortest work week, 34 hours, of peer countries. "Whereas in the US and the UK, we'd fought for more money at work, Scandinavians had fought for more time—for family leave, leisure, and a decent work-life balance," notes Russell.
Overwork is not a status symbol but is actually frowned upon. "Back home [in London], answering an email at midnight or staying at your desk until 8 pm was considered a badge of honour," writes Russell. "But in Danish work culture, this implies that you're incapable of doing your work in the time available."
Incredibly, in a survey, 57 percent of Danes said they wouldn't quit their jobs even if they won the lottery. So, Danes can love their jobs rather than making them the center of their lives. This might be because they choose jobs based on what they enjoy, not status because their culture does not reward striving. They also don't need to take a job they despise for the high pay because all their needs are taken care of, so having more money won't make that much of a difference in how they live their lives.
Importantly, Danish culture encourages connection through club membership and volunteering. Half of the Danes volunteer, and around 90 percent are members of societies. The average Dane is a member of 2.8 clubs. The government offers free facilities for many of the clubs to meet.
After a year of living Danishly, Russell realizes she is happy. She notices that all the things she would have named problems in London are no longer issues. She has managed to get pregnant without even trying. In London, she had been struggling to conceive, without success. Her doctor attributed this to stress.
"Living Danishly is simpler than my previous existence back in London," she writes. "You can just be in Denmark." She notes that it's not as exciting as living in a world-famous city, but she is markedly happier than before. A decade later, Russell and her family still reside in Denmark, and she recently released How to Raise A Viking: The Secret of Parenting the World's Happiest Children.
The cost of all this happiness is high taxes, in the range of 57 percent. To me, this seems a small price to pay for a sense of wellbeing. Still, many Americans I know do not share this sentiment and believe that our happiness lies in individualism and can be found in our private ways, even though we've tried this, and it clearly isn't working.
While many Americans believe that Denmark is socialist, it is actually a capitalist country. Its capitalism obviously looks very different than what we have in the US, which I usually call late-stage or hyper-capitalism. I hear often from people defending the status quo that the US can't provide a robust social safety net because unlike Denmark, we maintain a large and powerful military. But our military budget, no matter how much it needs to be cut, is not the cause of our current state.
Late-stage capitalism—capitalism untethered to morality, decency or any sense of the social good—is what created this mess.
Nor does the size of the US preclude the kind of humane living conditions of Denmark or many of our peer countries. We are always told that the US is the most innovative, powerful country in the world—we put a man on the moon!—until you talk about taking care of regular people, and suddenly, our size becomes an impediment, and we lack any kind of creativity or innovation.
I'm not holding up Denmark as the perfect society by any means. But I'm highlighting what I learned about that country merely to show that there are alternatives to the way we live and that what supports happiness and wellbeing has little to do with what we've been taught. After all, the vast and robust social safety net that undergirds Danish happiness won't be found as the topic of many self-help books on the US bestseller list.
I think in the US, we also need to consider how hyper-individualism has contributed to many of our problems. Danes are communitarian to a fault and have a sense of duty and responsibility to their fellow citizens. Russell was a bit put off by their rigid rule-following when she arrived but grew to see how it fostered trust. Danes trust each other so much that they leave their babies in carriages outside of cafes unattended so the babies can get fresh air. It doesn't occur to them that any harm might befall their children.
Individualism is not in itself a problem. I think it's good to believe that people should have control over their lives and happiness. The problem arises when people are told they possess a power they simply do not have (unless they are super wealthy). Right now, there is a book on the bestseller list about how to change your mindset. This is a popular Americanism: the problem isn't that you owe $200,000 plus interest for the education you had to get to be employed; the problem is how you think about being saddled with chronic debt.
It's nearly impossible for individual decisions or behaviors to be the defining factors in many people’s lives because the systemic problems are so huge that they dwarf sincere efforts made at an individual level. Average Danes have much more freedom than Americans to make choices to change their lives precisely because their government and society at large offer so much support.
It's worth asking why we have such low expectations of our government and society when citizens of other countries expect and get so much more.
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Oh Kirsten.
It's all so true. When you write these posts I immediately think of events that whacked me up side of the head with the truth about our country.
Like sitting on the veranda of our B&B in Italy on a beautiful evening and, having talked with American guests about what Europe offered me, one seethed, "well, they've certainly turned you into a socialist, haven't they?". Had he not been a paying guest... yeah.
It seems we Americans are led thru life with blinders on, taught from birth that our system is the best and most sacred, with no necessity to even take a look at how others live. The few of us who are lucky enough to break out are more often than not appalled when we realize how dire life in America has become.
The curtain is finally lowering. Things have gotten so horrible that Americans are realizing( without the benefit of travel or the chance to live abroad) that life is in the edge of untenable.
I left. You are leaving. But our loved ones left behind... It's hard to think about them without feeling anxious.
Thank you for your post.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time during my qigong teacher trainings with people from Norway, who seem to have a similar lifestyle and government as Denmark. They are definitely more chill and have tons of vacation and time to pursue hobbies and develop interests beyond work. A high school teacher I knew explained how retirement worked. He had to start decreasing his hours when he was I think 60, and each year he had to work a little less, but his retirement income was completely livable and increased as his work hours decreased.
And isn’t it Denmark where they’ve set up some dementia facilities to feel like actual small towns, so that residents have a sense that they’re part of a real community?