How to Get People to Hear You Out and Maybe Even Change Their Mind

Believe it or not, personal stories work better than reciting a list of facts

Housekeeping: I will be off next week for the holiday. I mentioned before that I would post about the logistics of moving abroad this week. I haven’t finished that post yet, but look for it in December. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

I don't think I need to tell anyone how divided the country is right now.

For some people, this means feeling betrayed or let down by their fellow citizens, but for others, it hits closer to home: their own families or close friends may have pulled the lever for a person they find uniquely dangerous and unqualified to lead the country. You may be one of the people headed to share an intergenerational family Thanksgiving meal in this fraught environment.

What is the best way to navigate this moment?

There seem to be a few different schools of thought on this.

Among the very online, demonizing anyone who voted differently in the most binary and simplistic terms seems to be the solution. This includes attacking not just Trump voters but Harris voters who want to gain a broader understanding as to how the Democrats could have lost to Trump again, including drawing voters who in the past have voted Democratic. Meanwhile, many Trump supporters are gloating and mocking disappointed Harris supporters and anyone concerned about the direction Donald Trump wants to take this country.

But there is another approach that may be less tweetable, but I think may be more productive. This is resisting the pull to label and 'other' our fellow citizens, family members, and friends and to instead communicate and disagree with respect. This is true regardless of how other people are behaving. We can’t control that; but we can control the choices we make right now in how we show up in this historical moment.

This is not to say that people shouldn't feel the emotions they are having. Nor is anyone obligated to engage in conversations they don't want to have. I've seen people online announcing they dis-invited family to Thanksgiving dinner because of disagreements over the election, and that is their prerogative. It's also totally fine to steer discussions away from the political and focus on noncontroversial issues—perhaps sports, what mutual friends and family are up to, or what shows you have been binging.

But if you want to engage in conversation with someone who doesn't share your views in the hopes of being understood, gaining a better understanding of another, or even changing their mind, most of the conventional wisdom about how to go about this is wrong.

I've lost track of how many people are mystified as to why their dad or best friend hasn't changed their mind on a political issue after they "shared the facts" with this person. It's not a bad impulse to believe that facts should help your case, but unfortunately, we live in a post-fact world.

Your "facts" are someone else's "fake news”—and vice versa.

There is also often an element of condescension involved when someone aims to "inform" another person about how they are wrong about something they feel strongly about. If you've ever been on the other end of a person explaining how bereft of facts you are, you know what I mean.

Shaming also offers a nearly 100 percent failure rate of changing another person's beliefs or getting them to at least understand why you believe what you do. You may be able to shame them into silence, but as soon as you start calling them a homophobe or misogynist, they're not going to hear anything you say after that. There's plenty of social science and basic psychology to back up what I'm saying.

Here's what you need to know: what changes people's minds, it turns out, are usually not facts or shaming but the sharing of personal stories.

A study by political scientists published in 2020 found that non-judgmentally exchanging personal stories can lead to durable changes in people's exclusionary (prejudiced) beliefs.

"Advocates often call out unacceptable views, which can intensify people's resistance, or they make their case through talking points and related facts, which our work shows have little effect," Joshua Kalla, one of the authors of the study, told Yale News. "We found that simply listening and sharing a relevant personal story successfully lessened people's resistance and increased their openness to change."

The authors conducted three field experiments where canvassers went door to door and used a respectful, conversational approach to try to change people's attitudes about either undocumented immigrants or transgender people. Canvassers committed to listening non-judgmentally to voters' views and sharing stories about unauthorized immigrants or transgender people, rather than engaging in traditional political canvassing, where voters are given a list of reasons to support a candidate or initiative.

When they followed up with voters, the political scientists found reductions in prejudice toward both groups. Another study published in early 2021 suggested that in order to increase your chances of being heard by a political opponent, you have to convince them that you are rational because both sides of the spectrum are inclined to view their opponents as brainwashed and irrational.

"The key to fostering respect is to support your political beliefs with personal experiences, especially those involving harm," Kurt Gray, a psychology and neuroscience professor and one of the authors of the study, explained in USA Today. "If you are pro-gun rights, talk less about the statistics of responsible gun ownership and more about how you used a gun to protect your family. If you are pro-immigration, talk less about the economic potential of the DREAMers and more about how your family was torn apart by deportation."

Using facts will not bridge many divides because if someone has a strongly formed ideological or political view that happens to be contradicted by a particular fact, they are more likely to dismiss your data point than to reconsider their belief. The conversation will devolve into a disagreement about the reliability of your sources.

There are lots of benefits to using this approach of sharing personal stories and listening non-judgementally:

• You might end up being heard and understood;

• You might end up understanding another person more than before, including someone you love;

• You might change someone's perspective on an issue that is important to you;

• You might change your perspective on an issue that is important to you.

Adapted from Saving Grace: Speak Your Truth, Stay Centered, and Learn to Coexist with People Who Drive You Nuts by Kirsten Powers, Crown Publishing Group, November 2022

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