Wow. This happened to me last year with someone I had befriended here in Germany. I didn't see it coming ( although my husband, one of those people who is annoyingly accurate in sizing up people had his doubts about her). The experience left me feeling old and exhausted and sad. It's hugely challenging to make new, lasting friendships - as an older woman, as an expat, as an empath. I did manage to pivot after a few days and savor/ be grateful the friends I have, who are amazing people.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I really am. It's brave to bring it up and give people let me a chance to share. So thank you 🧡
I’m so sorry to hear this. I have had the same experience with a sibling. It’s devastating and I wandered around in a daze for a long time. There’s no quick fix for grief except to give yourself over to it.
And your description of the horror of being “replaced” at school took me right back to my childhood too - so sad and so common.
Thank you from all of us who have been broken hearted like this.
A similar thing happened to me, with the added twist that it had become a business friendship where I only had a handshake agreement with him because we were "friends." I was devastated, and it also cost me a lot of money.
I learned two things from this experience that I thought were worth sharing. First, I realized that I have something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD:
As the link says, "People with RSD have strong reactions to rejection, criticism, disapproval, failure, or the feeling of having disappointed others." This is also how I learned that I must have ADHD, as RSD is highly correlated with ADHD. I would encourage anybody who has intense reactions to rejection to learn more about RSD. Understanding that I'm "having an RSD episode" has been HUGE in helping me understand my "mood swings," which were previously inexplicable even to me.
Second, a few weeks after blindsiding me with this friendship-breakup-slash-business-theft, my former friend called me and asked me if I had done something that had coincidentally happened to him. (To keep it brief, Facebook had coincidentally suspended his Facebook Ads account, and he thought that I had "reported" his account somehow or gotten it suspended. I had not.)
Anyway, I lost it on him and yelled at him over the phone. I had kept it civil during the friendship breakup, but when he called me and accused me of acting badly, it felt incredibly disrespectful., as he was the one who violated our handshake deal and acted in an unethical manner.
I was pretty shaken by how angry I got, although I didn't say anything that I'm embarrassed by now. I was just shocked at how angry I got. I now understand that "high-anger RSD typically involves symptoms and behaviors such as ... Outbursts of anger or hostility." 99.9% of the time, I am very even-keeled, so this was a big learning. (Note that there's also a variant called "high-anxiety RSD.")
Also, this episode prompted me to learn about "reactive abuse":
This happens when somebody attacks you, and then you attack them back, and your "self defense" is labelled as "abuse." This hasn't been a huge pattern for me, but it was helpful for me to understand the dynamic of how RSD can trigger anger which triggers a verbal outburst, which can be held up as evidence by the other person as justification for rejecting you.
As an aside, a year later, he contacted me and said that he realized he was wrong and asked to "buy me out" of the handshake deal. He paid me $25k, which wasn't peanuts, but the friendship never recovered and we are no longer friendly.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m not that sensitive to rejection—I’m always willing to be flexible and find a way to make things work. I also always assume ppl are going to be around and be trustworthy. My reaction was totally normal…most women would tell you they cried far more than 3 days over being dumped by a friend. I used to stuff my feelings and act like nothing bothered me and it’s taken a lot of inner work to get to the point where I would experience this much emotion (and also talk about it!)
Yeah, I’ve had friends space me over political beliefs and then they come to reason and realize that you can’t throw away a friendship over certain things you don’t agree with. Maybe I’m naïve, but I always leave a door open especially when you’ve had friendships for over 40 years and they still come home because you know that that door is still open takes time it takes patience. Sometimes it takes and you have to realize that it’s not you I hope that helps.
i’m still grieving a friendship that ended 2.5 years ago. What’s even hard is she’s one of my neighbors. We were so so close and my husband and her both got in an argument, cancelled plans with me a few days later
texts me telling me i have been distant and then tells me to “have a good one”
then texts me occasionally every few months wanting something but i tell her i am mourning our friendship and she doesn’t respond to that…
still struggling i guess because i really never did anything wrong…
thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. I feel you on the crying part i cried a lot too and even wrote her a letter she never read..
What a shitty thing to go through. I’m so sorry — thank you for sharing. I had a group of three friends all “turn against” me for one summer after 8th grade. Silent treatment, making fun of me for no reason that I understood — it was devastating. At the end of the summer they each called me and apologized. But we were never friends again — and here’s the thing — it changed me profoundly for the better as a future friend. I looked for (and found, in spades!) different qualities in friends. It gave me a map of sorts that has guided me well. (This is not meant to tell you to find the silver lining — just my story.) And for what it’s worth, I agree with you that people should be able to leave relationships — but saying that she was experimenting?? What, friends are like coats that you put on and take off? What a weird and heartless thing to say. So, Italy! My experience with making friends in Portugal (in general) has been that it takes longer (people stay closer to their childhood friends, cousins etc so they have full lives) but once you are bonded, you can count on them through thick and thin. Wishing you lots of luck on your move!!
Thanks for sharing this. The 8th grade story is such a common one sadly. I love that you learned from it. I absolutely have learned from this experience and I’m sure with more time I will have more learning. I agree re the ‘experimenting’ part—that’s actually what was very overwhelming to process. And thanks for the tip re making friends as an expat. I’ve heard this before and I know Italy is similar but it’s good to be reminded.
I also had a middle school friendship breakup. A friend I had been very close to since first grade "dumped" me and publicly told our other friends it was because she thought the music I listened to wasn't cool enough. I was heartbroken and humiliated. Months later, she started being my friend again all of a sudden and also without warning. I was so grateful that she "forgave" me for my sin of being uncool that I took her back instantly. I did not have any boundaries back then:) But even though we remained friends through college I never really trusted her again. It has been decades since that experience and it still stings a bit, mostly because I wish I could tell my 13-year-old self to care about myself more.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's heartbreaking to lose someone you've become close with. I had two friends both in high school who started dating boys that they knew I "really" liked. I was devastated. I lost what I thought were good friends in the girls. And, I was also good friends with each of these boys and those friendships were lost too. This was over 30 years ago! It's embarrassing to admit but that really impacted the way I experience friendship. Unfortunately I'm guarded in friendships and have a really hard time getting close. I've also had an "easy" time walking away from friendships. It literally just dawned on me while writing this that I have so many fears around friendship. What's ironic is that I know from my happiness research and personal experience that friendship and deep connection is critical to living a fulfilled and potentially even longer life. Yet, that young teenager who experienced so much pain and loss is still in there trying to keep me safe.
Katherine, I’m so sorry that that happened to you and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard from him since I published this just yesterday evening. I’m hearing from people that I know personally as well as here and I knows about how this is happened to them and for many people it happened in childhood, and they still haven’t gotten over it. I think it’s normal to be impacted that way, but I also think there is a way to heal and learn that everybody isn’t going to do this to you.
I so appreciate your authenticity in sharing this post. This is a tricky landscape without good maps, for sure. A dear friend recently gave me the Platonic book as a gift, one I’m even more invested in reading it now. Thank you. 🙏🏼
I love that you are sharing this experience. And letting yourself feel more deeply. I’ve been doing that as well. And I’ve found that moving abroad makes old friendships harder. And it’s harder to make new friends at this age. But I’m gradually doing it, which is a great feeling! Just like being in middle school again. ;)
Good riddance to this false friend. She must have been deeply phony to have fooled someone as perceptive as you are. Anyone who has you as a friend is enriched by the relationship. Your friends know they are lucky to have you.
Wow. This happened to me last year with someone I had befriended here in Germany. I didn't see it coming ( although my husband, one of those people who is annoyingly accurate in sizing up people had his doubts about her). The experience left me feeling old and exhausted and sad. It's hugely challenging to make new, lasting friendships - as an older woman, as an expat, as an empath. I did manage to pivot after a few days and savor/ be grateful the friends I have, who are amazing people.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I really am. It's brave to bring it up and give people let me a chance to share. So thank you 🧡
Oh I’m so sorry Diana — it’s really heartbreaking. I’m glad you were able to pivot and have a supportive husband and friends 💜
I’m so sorry to hear this. I have had the same experience with a sibling. It’s devastating and I wandered around in a daze for a long time. There’s no quick fix for grief except to give yourself over to it.
And your description of the horror of being “replaced” at school took me right back to my childhood too - so sad and so common.
Thank you from all of us who have been broken hearted like this.
Her loss. Love you, KP.
😘
This. Just this.
A similar thing happened to me, with the added twist that it had become a business friendship where I only had a handshake agreement with him because we were "friends." I was devastated, and it also cost me a lot of money.
I learned two things from this experience that I thought were worth sharing. First, I realized that I have something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD:
* https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/
As the link says, "People with RSD have strong reactions to rejection, criticism, disapproval, failure, or the feeling of having disappointed others." This is also how I learned that I must have ADHD, as RSD is highly correlated with ADHD. I would encourage anybody who has intense reactions to rejection to learn more about RSD. Understanding that I'm "having an RSD episode" has been HUGE in helping me understand my "mood swings," which were previously inexplicable even to me.
Second, a few weeks after blindsiding me with this friendship-breakup-slash-business-theft, my former friend called me and asked me if I had done something that had coincidentally happened to him. (To keep it brief, Facebook had coincidentally suspended his Facebook Ads account, and he thought that I had "reported" his account somehow or gotten it suspended. I had not.)
Anyway, I lost it on him and yelled at him over the phone. I had kept it civil during the friendship breakup, but when he called me and accused me of acting badly, it felt incredibly disrespectful., as he was the one who violated our handshake deal and acted in an unethical manner.
I was pretty shaken by how angry I got, although I didn't say anything that I'm embarrassed by now. I was just shocked at how angry I got. I now understand that "high-anger RSD typically involves symptoms and behaviors such as ... Outbursts of anger or hostility." 99.9% of the time, I am very even-keeled, so this was a big learning. (Note that there's also a variant called "high-anxiety RSD.")
Also, this episode prompted me to learn about "reactive abuse":
* https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483
This happens when somebody attacks you, and then you attack them back, and your "self defense" is labelled as "abuse." This hasn't been a huge pattern for me, but it was helpful for me to understand the dynamic of how RSD can trigger anger which triggers a verbal outburst, which can be held up as evidence by the other person as justification for rejecting you.
As an aside, a year later, he contacted me and said that he realized he was wrong and asked to "buy me out" of the handshake deal. He paid me $25k, which wasn't peanuts, but the friendship never recovered and we are no longer friendly.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m not that sensitive to rejection—I’m always willing to be flexible and find a way to make things work. I also always assume ppl are going to be around and be trustworthy. My reaction was totally normal…most women would tell you they cried far more than 3 days over being dumped by a friend. I used to stuff my feelings and act like nothing bothered me and it’s taken a lot of inner work to get to the point where I would experience this much emotion (and also talk about it!)
Yeah, I’ve had friends space me over political beliefs and then they come to reason and realize that you can’t throw away a friendship over certain things you don’t agree with. Maybe I’m naïve, but I always leave a door open especially when you’ve had friendships for over 40 years and they still come home because you know that that door is still open takes time it takes patience. Sometimes it takes and you have to realize that it’s not you I hope that helps.
It’s a sad thing to lose someone you considered a good friend. It’s a brave, vulnerable post.
thank you for sharing this
i’m still grieving a friendship that ended 2.5 years ago. What’s even hard is she’s one of my neighbors. We were so so close and my husband and her both got in an argument, cancelled plans with me a few days later
texts me telling me i have been distant and then tells me to “have a good one”
then texts me occasionally every few months wanting something but i tell her i am mourning our friendship and she doesn’t respond to that…
still struggling i guess because i really never did anything wrong…
thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. I feel you on the crying part i cried a lot too and even wrote her a letter she never read..
Oh I’m so sorry—having to live close by sounds so hard …😢
What a shitty thing to go through. I’m so sorry — thank you for sharing. I had a group of three friends all “turn against” me for one summer after 8th grade. Silent treatment, making fun of me for no reason that I understood — it was devastating. At the end of the summer they each called me and apologized. But we were never friends again — and here’s the thing — it changed me profoundly for the better as a future friend. I looked for (and found, in spades!) different qualities in friends. It gave me a map of sorts that has guided me well. (This is not meant to tell you to find the silver lining — just my story.) And for what it’s worth, I agree with you that people should be able to leave relationships — but saying that she was experimenting?? What, friends are like coats that you put on and take off? What a weird and heartless thing to say. So, Italy! My experience with making friends in Portugal (in general) has been that it takes longer (people stay closer to their childhood friends, cousins etc so they have full lives) but once you are bonded, you can count on them through thick and thin. Wishing you lots of luck on your move!!
Thanks for sharing this. The 8th grade story is such a common one sadly. I love that you learned from it. I absolutely have learned from this experience and I’m sure with more time I will have more learning. I agree re the ‘experimenting’ part—that’s actually what was very overwhelming to process. And thanks for the tip re making friends as an expat. I’ve heard this before and I know Italy is similar but it’s good to be reminded.
I also had a middle school friendship breakup. A friend I had been very close to since first grade "dumped" me and publicly told our other friends it was because she thought the music I listened to wasn't cool enough. I was heartbroken and humiliated. Months later, she started being my friend again all of a sudden and also without warning. I was so grateful that she "forgave" me for my sin of being uncool that I took her back instantly. I did not have any boundaries back then:) But even though we remained friends through college I never really trusted her again. It has been decades since that experience and it still stings a bit, mostly because I wish I could tell my 13-year-old self to care about myself more.
Oh Mary I’m so sorry. I really know how that feels obviously. It’s just incredible how many women have stories like this.
A brave post. Thank you for sharing.
Good topic. I think we’ve all gone through something similar.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's heartbreaking to lose someone you've become close with. I had two friends both in high school who started dating boys that they knew I "really" liked. I was devastated. I lost what I thought were good friends in the girls. And, I was also good friends with each of these boys and those friendships were lost too. This was over 30 years ago! It's embarrassing to admit but that really impacted the way I experience friendship. Unfortunately I'm guarded in friendships and have a really hard time getting close. I've also had an "easy" time walking away from friendships. It literally just dawned on me while writing this that I have so many fears around friendship. What's ironic is that I know from my happiness research and personal experience that friendship and deep connection is critical to living a fulfilled and potentially even longer life. Yet, that young teenager who experienced so much pain and loss is still in there trying to keep me safe.
Katherine, I’m so sorry that that happened to you and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard from him since I published this just yesterday evening. I’m hearing from people that I know personally as well as here and I knows about how this is happened to them and for many people it happened in childhood, and they still haven’t gotten over it. I think it’s normal to be impacted that way, but I also think there is a way to heal and learn that everybody isn’t going to do this to you.
Thank you! It's so comforting reading everyones comments on this thread.
I so appreciate your authenticity in sharing this post. This is a tricky landscape without good maps, for sure. A dear friend recently gave me the Platonic book as a gift, one I’m even more invested in reading it now. Thank you. 🙏🏼
I love that you are sharing this experience. And letting yourself feel more deeply. I’ve been doing that as well. And I’ve found that moving abroad makes old friendships harder. And it’s harder to make new friends at this age. But I’m gradually doing it, which is a great feeling! Just like being in middle school again. ;)
Thanks Anne!! 💜
Sending hugs xo love you- her loss btw
Love you 😘
Good riddance to this false friend. She must have been deeply phony to have fooled someone as perceptive as you are. Anyone who has you as a friend is enriched by the relationship. Your friends know they are lucky to have you.
Linda you are so fierce I love you ❤️