I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I understand, more than you can know. I do not know how I will feel when my mother dies, since we are not in contact, but I understand the grief. I have the same grief, and it is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it.
I thank you for writing this piece and I am terribly sorry for what you went through as a child and then throughout your life. Our mothers are supposed to love us. When they do not, we are left with such a void--and then, it seems, we climb down into that void, not knowing how to get out. It is the work of a lifetime and I feel for you. May you find peace soon. I wish you the best through all of this, and again, I'm so very sorry.
This was difficult to read - and what a relief, too. Because you give voice to many thoughts I’ve had myself. Mourning not so much the loss of a mother but the absence of one all the years prior. It’s hard to put into words. And hard to sort out in my head sometimes. It’s been 12 years now and the way I handle it is to choose to live well and on my own terms. It works!
"Many things can be true at once." is great advice for handling the death of a parent whose behavior was erratic. My mother didn't shame me but she did my sister and I witnessed it. I hope this community can give you a space to write what you want when you want to write about it.
I hold both the light and dark within my mother too. But only recently could I do that. Before, I would either love her and deny all bad, or despise her and pretend there was no good.
Really admiring this article and the result it is of all the inner work. That’s what matters so much.
So sorry Kirsten that you are having to go through such a painful experience. Love: “What we hide in the darkness will only gain strength, but once it is brought into the light it will lose its power.” You help yourself and many others.
This is a very brave piece and has helped me. Me too. It’s hard to believe yourself - crazy making actually - when others see a different side of your Mother. May the healing come and the shame be gone. Lots of love going your way.
Even after a lot of work around owning the truth of my childhood I still felt naughty even writing my comment. Worried someone I knew would see it. I know the courage what you write takes. You will help many through this but most of all you will liberate yourself. xxxxx
Yes, I think that’s intentional. Somehow even though you were the victim, you’re supposed to protect the people who harmed you. But the loyalty only goes one way,as I’m sure you unfortunately know.
Thank you Catherine that means so much to me — not being believed and/or being blamed and shamed by others has been tremendously damaging so your words are very healing
Same girl same. With mothers like this we’ve lived the loss our entire lives. It takes up space and is alive as any other feeling. May peace be with you.
I'm sorry to read about this. And I know from my own childhood, which involved nothing quite like this, that admitting you were a victim somehow feels shameful. I wondered, on reading this, whether you've ever read the British novel, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. It involves a toxic, abusive, charismatic mother who appears only in flashbacks and phone calls. The author somehow makes Eleanor Oliphant's thought patterns and behavior, while she's in denial, funny in a poignant way. I listened to the audiobook. There's a happy ending.
Kirsten, I know it takes courage to write this piece so I wanted to say all that I appreciate:
I appreciate the nuance with which you describe a person who was complex, liked by many, and even admirable from various angles, but who was also not likable or admirable, particularly when it counted the most. I hear you, and am right there with you. Many mothers are skilled at presenting only a few faces to the world, while their children experience the other ones.
I appreciate your candor in sharing the shittiest of dreams - dreams that, you are absolutely right, many shame-filled humans share since the collective unconscious is just that - collective - and all internal systems pointing toward health will need to expel, in symbolic and energetic form, that which doesn't belong, and never did.
I also appreciate your boundaries, your clear discernment that there's more to the story but you're not ready to speak to it all, nor do you ever have to in order to be complete, and whole, and expressed.
Last, I appreciate that you've done such powerful restoration work, for which I salute you sincerely. It is not easy to instantiate the self-compassionate truths you've come to embrace, which we both know requires letting go of beliefs that took root deep and wide, for a very long time. Well done, dear sister. Well done.
My heart goes with you as you reorient to life without your mother. It seems powerful karmic cleansing is taking place and thank goddess these forces are at work. :) May Italy embrace you like the Bella Madre you have always been worthy of. Thank you so much for sharing this story.
Thank you for saying all of this and reflecting this back to me. It has been quite a journey, and it is very healing to have this reflected back to me. 💜
That’s one of many things so interesting about healing - that it happens in between us as well. We reflect, witness, and honor each other. I’m glad it met you the way I intended.♥️ Sending you all my heart-light.
I lost my mother on November 8 and I know exactly how you feel. To be honest, I thought I would be happy and relieved once it finally happened. I was so surprised at how I actually did feel and yet, my feelings were exactly appropriate for the complicated state of our relationship. I had been a bit angry and resentful of her for a long time and surprisingly found myself feeling tender toward her. My mother also used shame as a form of control—perhaps it’s the generation. So many hard feels. You wrote a brave piece. Many thanks.
I am sorry, Beth that you had a similar kind of experience. I think I thought it would be a relief too, but I can’t say that it was. Grief is weird and it’s even weirder when it’s a situation like this. Pls continue to be gentle w yourself 💜
This is not the first time I have heard of similar experiences from friends about one or both of their parents. And it's hard for me to relate to it otherwise. Even if the situation were different, nobody can relate to the emotions we each go through when losing a parent (or sibling for that matter.) My point is about how careful we should be when our friends do tell us about their loss. The blanket response of "Oh, I know exactly how you feel..." or "I can relate to that...." should be avoided. We should try to recognize that our friends are in pain experiencing something very different than what we think they should be experiencing without making matters worse with our canned responses. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable emotions, Kirsten. You have our support.
Kirsten, I am so sorry. Despite all of the tribulations that it took to get to where you are right now, you turned out to be a human being that any mother, indeed any parent. could and should be proud of.
Thank you for sharing this. You’ve beautifully described the feelings that accompany the realization that you’ve lived well into adulthood without ever knowing real mothering from the woman who claims the title of “mom.”
I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I understand, more than you can know. I do not know how I will feel when my mother dies, since we are not in contact, but I understand the grief. I have the same grief, and it is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it.
thank you that means so much to me.
I thank you for writing this piece and I am terribly sorry for what you went through as a child and then throughout your life. Our mothers are supposed to love us. When they do not, we are left with such a void--and then, it seems, we climb down into that void, not knowing how to get out. It is the work of a lifetime and I feel for you. May you find peace soon. I wish you the best through all of this, and again, I'm so very sorry.
thank you mary — i couldn’t have said it better that you did
This was difficult to read - and what a relief, too. Because you give voice to many thoughts I’ve had myself. Mourning not so much the loss of a mother but the absence of one all the years prior. It’s hard to put into words. And hard to sort out in my head sometimes. It’s been 12 years now and the way I handle it is to choose to live well and on my own terms. It works!
yes exactly — i keep saying to my husband that it’s so hard to grieve this “cleanly” b/c there are so many angles to it
"Many things can be true at once." is great advice for handling the death of a parent whose behavior was erratic. My mother didn't shame me but she did my sister and I witnessed it. I hope this community can give you a space to write what you want when you want to write about it.
thank you david
I hold both the light and dark within my mother too. But only recently could I do that. Before, I would either love her and deny all bad, or despise her and pretend there was no good.
Really admiring this article and the result it is of all the inner work. That’s what matters so much.
Hugs - you’re amazing.
TY Elizabeth
So well said.
So sorry Kirsten that you are having to go through such a painful experience. Love: “What we hide in the darkness will only gain strength, but once it is brought into the light it will lose its power.” You help yourself and many others.
TY Gary
This is a very brave piece and has helped me. Me too. It’s hard to believe yourself - crazy making actually - when others see a different side of your Mother. May the healing come and the shame be gone. Lots of love going your way.
Yes extremely crazy making
Even after a lot of work around owning the truth of my childhood I still felt naughty even writing my comment. Worried someone I knew would see it. I know the courage what you write takes. You will help many through this but most of all you will liberate yourself. xxxxx
Yes, I think that’s intentional. Somehow even though you were the victim, you’re supposed to protect the people who harmed you. But the loyalty only goes one way,as I’m sure you unfortunately know.
That is so true. I’ve never really thought about the loyalty and protection only going one way. The way things should be is totally reversed.
It really is the ultimate betrayal.
It is maddening, literally, to have a parent fail you so profoundly and at the same time have them be so admired by so many.
Know that you are seen, heard, believed, and loved.
Whatever reaction you have to this particular kind of grief is perfectly fine. May it soften swiftly, and leave you in peace.
Thank you Catherine that means so much to me — not being believed and/or being blamed and shamed by others has been tremendously damaging so your words are very healing
Same girl same. With mothers like this we’ve lived the loss our entire lives. It takes up space and is alive as any other feeling. May peace be with you.
I’m sorry that you understand – – but yes, you put it so well that’s exactly what it’s like.
I'm sorry to read about this. And I know from my own childhood, which involved nothing quite like this, that admitting you were a victim somehow feels shameful. I wondered, on reading this, whether you've ever read the British novel, Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. It involves a toxic, abusive, charismatic mother who appears only in flashbacks and phone calls. The author somehow makes Eleanor Oliphant's thought patterns and behavior, while she's in denial, funny in a poignant way. I listened to the audiobook. There's a happy ending.
I loved that book so much.
Kirsten, I know it takes courage to write this piece so I wanted to say all that I appreciate:
I appreciate the nuance with which you describe a person who was complex, liked by many, and even admirable from various angles, but who was also not likable or admirable, particularly when it counted the most. I hear you, and am right there with you. Many mothers are skilled at presenting only a few faces to the world, while their children experience the other ones.
I appreciate your candor in sharing the shittiest of dreams - dreams that, you are absolutely right, many shame-filled humans share since the collective unconscious is just that - collective - and all internal systems pointing toward health will need to expel, in symbolic and energetic form, that which doesn't belong, and never did.
I also appreciate your boundaries, your clear discernment that there's more to the story but you're not ready to speak to it all, nor do you ever have to in order to be complete, and whole, and expressed.
Last, I appreciate that you've done such powerful restoration work, for which I salute you sincerely. It is not easy to instantiate the self-compassionate truths you've come to embrace, which we both know requires letting go of beliefs that took root deep and wide, for a very long time. Well done, dear sister. Well done.
My heart goes with you as you reorient to life without your mother. It seems powerful karmic cleansing is taking place and thank goddess these forces are at work. :) May Italy embrace you like the Bella Madre you have always been worthy of. Thank you so much for sharing this story.
Thank you for saying all of this and reflecting this back to me. It has been quite a journey, and it is very healing to have this reflected back to me. 💜
That’s one of many things so interesting about healing - that it happens in between us as well. We reflect, witness, and honor each other. I’m glad it met you the way I intended.♥️ Sending you all my heart-light.
I lost my mother on November 8 and I know exactly how you feel. To be honest, I thought I would be happy and relieved once it finally happened. I was so surprised at how I actually did feel and yet, my feelings were exactly appropriate for the complicated state of our relationship. I had been a bit angry and resentful of her for a long time and surprisingly found myself feeling tender toward her. My mother also used shame as a form of control—perhaps it’s the generation. So many hard feels. You wrote a brave piece. Many thanks.
I am sorry, Beth that you had a similar kind of experience. I think I thought it would be a relief too, but I can’t say that it was. Grief is weird and it’s even weirder when it’s a situation like this. Pls continue to be gentle w yourself 💜
This is not the first time I have heard of similar experiences from friends about one or both of their parents. And it's hard for me to relate to it otherwise. Even if the situation were different, nobody can relate to the emotions we each go through when losing a parent (or sibling for that matter.) My point is about how careful we should be when our friends do tell us about their loss. The blanket response of "Oh, I know exactly how you feel..." or "I can relate to that...." should be avoided. We should try to recognize that our friends are in pain experiencing something very different than what we think they should be experiencing without making matters worse with our canned responses. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable emotions, Kirsten. You have our support.
Yes Bob exactly— every relationship is different and we need to be sensitive to that.
Oh Kirsten. Such a powerful piece. Sending love.
TY it was so hard to write
I can only imagine.
Kirsten, I am so sorry. Despite all of the tribulations that it took to get to where you are right now, you turned out to be a human being that any mother, indeed any parent. could and should be proud of.
Ty Christopher 💜
Thank you for sharing this. You’ve beautifully described the feelings that accompany the realization that you’ve lived well into adulthood without ever knowing real mothering from the woman who claims the title of “mom.”