How I Tamed My Envy of Almost Everyone But Especially Elizabeth Gilbert
The 'green-eyed monster' became my indispensable guide
I have an embarrassing confession to make: I used to struggle so much with envy that I not only had to get off of Instagram, but I had to ask my husband to stop telling me what people we knew were posting there.
He could ruin my day with a casual comment about a colleague's success or a trip a group of women we knew took together. I would feel left out and jealous and have all sorts of irrational feelings about situations that had nothing to do with me.
"I struggle with envy," I finally confided to my befuddled husband after snapping at him for forgetting my injunction against Instagram news. He would remind me of my own successes, my extensive network of friends, and the fact that we had a pretty nice life.
None of it mattered.
Reason cannot contend with envy.
I intensely grasped the truth of the saying, "comparison is the thief of joy," and felt deep shame for my behavior.
But I had no idea how to stop feeling this way.
If I had understood sooner why envy occurs, it would have saved me a lot of misery and wasted time.
Envy can be overt, as it was with my reaction to people’s fun and good news on Instagram.1 Or it can be more covert, leaking out as judgment, disdain or worse.
In my case, I could not read an article about Elizabeth Gilbert or listen to friends coo about her books, without feeling something that I couldn’t quite name. It never occurred to me that it was envy. I just thought I didn't like her, even though I did not have one good reason for feeling that way.
What I eventually learned is that whether envy is covert or overt, we are almost definitely projecting.2 Usually, when we think of projection, it involves negative qualities in ourselves that we have disowned (what Jung called ‘the Shadow’), which we then start seeing all around us in other people.
However, what is less known is that we can also project buried talents and positive qualities onto others. Jung called this the ‘Golden Shadow,’ which contains the creative potential and greatness in ourselves that we are unable to see (except in other people), perhaps because we were shamed for these qualities or maybe because owning them would be too disruptive to our lives.
So, if you find yourself reacting badly when you see a person announce they’ve just published their first book or started their own business, pay attention. Your unconscious is telling you that you not only have the desire to do something like this but that you actually possess the qualities required to make it a reality in your own life.